Nothing to Offer but Blood, Sweat and Bears

 Goat Haunt, Montana

We buy tickets on the "International" in Waterton, Alberta. She's 84 years old, all wood and carries 200 passengers South to Goat Haunt, Montana four times a day.



Waterton Lake is ten miles long. Our tickets are "one-way". We plan to hike back. This is our third time on the 10.5 mile hike. It's sort of a way to prove to ourselves that we're still viable. Mrs. Phred and I are the only ones making the hike today..



When we get off the boat and two Homeland Security agents in black uniforms examine our passports. It's 90 miles of wilderness to the nearest US road, but it pays to screen out the threats. As Bush pointed out, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."



The trail is severely overgrown. Sometimes the vegetation is waist high. It's very hot. I'm sweating within a mile and swatting dozens of blood-filled mosquitoes. The trail has deer ticks and Lyme disease, but we stupidly wore shorts instead of long pants.


Entering the park, a big mama bear and two cubs run across the road in front of us. They're cute, but we get no pix.


On the trail we spot a motionless black bear about 100 feet down the trail. The bear is downwind of us. He eventually catches our scent (we don't see any cubs) and moves off the trail. I shout out a bunch of threats and tell the bear that I'm more dangerous than a Great White Shark and that he should just keep moving on because I'm bad to the bone....



About five miles north of Goat Haunt we run into the International border. By treaty agreement, the entire border must be clearly marked, so every ten years or so a team comes though and cuts down all the trees on the 2,000 or so miles where we connect on 49th parallel. Mrs. Phred has her left foot in Canada...The last two hours, we are pelted with hail, drenched with rain and menaced with lightning. The last five miles are very up and down...



The hike took five hours. We hurt all over, we're soaked, riddled with mosquito bites and probably covered with deer ticks...It was really great...I have a longer hike in mind for tomorrow. It's a 12 mile round trip up to a lovely lake filled with icebergs...

Close Encounters of the Bear Kind

Goat Haunt, Montana

We walked the ten miles along Waterton Lake about 13 years ago. This time we decide to walk south from the town site of Waterton, Alberta, down to the lonely ranger station at Goat Haunt, U.S.A. and then take the boat back. I tie a bear bell to my right boot.

Right now the average bear is preparing for winter by eating 100,000 berries a day, to take in about 20,000 calories. Rasberry seeds are 70% more likely to germinate after passing though a bear. The whole ten mile trail is solid rasberries, but we leave them all for the bears.

The first five miles are continuously up on tall ridges and back down to the lake. The last five miles, after the international border, are fairly flat. We pass three hikers during the day traveling north.

We run into an inquisitive ground squirrel at a lake campsite, on the Canadian side, after about three miles. He attacks our backpack and Mrs. Phred gives it some cookie bits. At one point he stands on my boot looking for more food. I’m guessing that the four ham sandwiches in the backpack have an irresistible odor to ground squirrels.

We descend to the lake and pass though a thick patch of raspberry bushes. Suddenly we see a black bear in our path less than ten feet away. It runs into the bushes. I can see over the bushes to a rockslide. The bear does not reappear on the rocks, so I know it must be very close.

The bear begins to peek out of the bushes and I snap several pictures. It climbs up on a rock and I recognize the hump that distinguishes a black grizzly from an ordinary black bear. It’s a dismayingly large bear.The bear is only 30 feet away and it advances toward us. I stop taking pictures and start yelling at the bear to go away. The knowledge that my big brain makes me the most dangerous animal on the planet is not all that reassuring just now.

They say to play dead when a bear starts biting you to see if the attack is defensive in nature. After two minutes, if the bear is still biting you, you should fight back because this is an indication of predatory behavior. I make a note to check my watch.

Mrs. Phred picks up a three foot long piece of driftwood and holds it over her head to appear taller. She stands beside me and begins to talk to the bear with that tone of voice that says, “If momma’s not happy, nobody’s happy”. The bear slows his advance.

Mrs. Phred begins to slam her driftwood on a piece of rock and then she leads me in a slow strategic retreat away from the trail to the lakeshore. For a few minutes, after we regain the trail, we look over our shoulders to see if the bear is still following.

At the ranger station they check our passports carefully and stare into our eyes to verify our eye color. Mrs. Phred has to remove her sunglasses. It’s all dead serious. Who knows? It’s only 100 miles of brutal wilderness to the first small town in Glacier National Park. We could have anything in our backpack.

We talk to a young man who just finished walking the 100 miles alone though Glacier. He took seven days. He says he has done the whole Appalachian Trail.

Back in Waterton, I spend my last Canadian Loonies on a bottle of wine, but I'm too tired to drink it.

It’s a Nice Day for a White Wedding

Waterton National Park, Alberta

We start the day by booking a return trip from Goat Haunt, Montana. The boat will pick us up at 8 pm tomorrow. To get there is a fairly serious nine-mile hike over some mean terrain. If we miss the boat it means a night in the wilderness. We have a bear bell.

You have to bring ID to Goat Haunt. Otherwise the rangers send you back to Waterton on the next boat. I wish I had known this before buying the tickets. Being deported for free would be kind of cool.

So then, after making our purchase, it’s on up to a glacial lake. We see mountain goats, wildflowers, rasberries and a moose on a hike around the lake...(Mrs. Phred hastens to add that the moose was not hiking around the lake, we were).

Then back to the lodge for High tea. Or is it Low tea? They serve tea with honey, milk, lemon and sugar cubes. The sandwiches all have the crusts removed: Egg salad, cucumber and smoked salmon with capers. Then there were gooseberries, scones, biscuits and cookies. The top layer was fudge, strawberries dipped in butterscotch frosting and a cute little lemony pastry.

This is a great place for a wedding. In fact, it’s a nice day for a white wedding.

Hey little sister what have you done?…
It’s a nice day for a white wedding.
It’s a nice day to start again.

Then we play tennis after tea. I lose 2-6. I point out that it’s seldom 0-6 0r 1-6 anymore.

My dentist has a picture of Waterton Lake hanging on his wall. I’ve stared at this scene for several eternities while he performs his indignities.


Here are a few Waterton pix.